On the morning of Thursday July 17th, 2014, The President of the United States announced that the entire idea of Prohibition of marijuana was an elaborate prank to let the Federal government “see how much they could get away with.”
“At first, it started as a test to see what the ‘sheeple’ would blindly believe, and as it turns out, there were plenty of voters who knew very little about cannabis but were still willing to go along with whatever we told them,” the President explained. “From what I’ve learned about the start of this massive prank, it was the Joke of Washington D.C. for at least two weeks — the problem was, once they started it, they couldn’t figure out a way to tell everyone it was a joke without losing complete credibility. After that, lobbyists figured out how they could create a cottage industry by funneling support for the prohibition from large industries that stood to profit. Since then, it’s been quite the challenge to figure our way out of this mess.”
We spoke with one retired statistician, who asked to remain nameless, “I remember when they came to me with the request to ghost write a finding based on some pretty shoddy statistics about kids who used hard drugs after using marijuana at an early age. I told them any idiot who’s ever taken statistics 101 will plainly see that where that report might show a correlation between early marijuana use and heavy drug use, it doesn’t show any causation. That’s when they threatened to plug up a car battery to my testicle, so, I wrote the report — what would you’ve done?”
Later into the President’s speech, after a healthy laugh from his colleagues, he went on to say, “Unfortunately, this prank had some unforeseen consequences which we now need to address: the police have used these laws as reasons to put otherwise law abiding citizens in jail — which studies have shown heavily lean towards evidence of racial discrimination; churches somehow picked up on this and got behind the prohibition on a morale position with literally zero scriptural basis; but the worst of it all is how industries that stand to profit from the prohibition have been allowed to further lobby their support for keeping cannabis highly illegal. It’s a crying shame how this once hilarious practical joke has turned out. Our collective tears from laughter have turned to tears of joy followed by tears of sadness.”
As a somber mood swept across the white house press room floor, Obama added, “Even with all of those negative consequences, I still think it’s funny as shit how so many Americans were dumb enough to believe it all [laughter]. Nobody with any skill for critical thinking can look at all the facts and surmise that putting people in jail for smoking a little pot makes a damned bit of sense. At any rate, we’re all now well aware of what this Federal government is capable of — anything. Now, it’s time to start scaling this ‘war on drugs’ — haha, still can’t believe people got behind that… I’m sorry, let me continue — it’s time to start phasing this prohibition out.”
The President went on to discuss how Washington state and Colorado are truly the champions of our state governments for seeing through the bullshit sooner than the rest of the states. His closing notes were some of the edgiest words to come out of his mouth since he took office to date, “Some of you mother f***ers need to pull your heads out of your asses and realize that legalization of cannabis will protect our families, friends, and neighbors, from the undue consequences of an AT WORST poor use of time. And one last message to all of you good Christians, you should highly question any preacher who’s still supporting the prohibition at this point.”
On the tip of his closing words, the press rose to their feet and applauded and cheered The President for finally standing up and coming clean about this whole fiasco formerly known as a “War on drugs.” I can still feel the electricity in the room at the excitement of this great orator speaking truths most politicians dare not whisper. We salute you, Mr. President!
(This is a satirical news story — we hope you’ve enjoyed it as it is only meant for entertainment purposes. Mr. President, please do not wield your power to murder our families.)